Write Along with Me…

On By Lois RoelofsIn aging, Health, memoir, writing

IMG_7351The fun is yet to be! Come with me, in spirit, to the Write-by-the-Lake Writer’s Workshop & Retreat at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. I’m getting ready to attend this retreat next week. And oh, what fun it is to prepare.

I want to remind you, as I’ve done before, that your words will pass away when you do, UNLESS, you’ve written them down, the most important reason for you to write some of your life story. Imagine how your grandchildren and all your descendants would love to read your words. What was it like to live during the early 2000s? Did we have toilets yet? Did we have TVs? Did we have smart phones?

If I could have a chat with my grandparents, three of whom died before I was born 75 years ago, I would ask related questions. What was life like when you were growing up? Tell me about how you met…your first date…your wedding…giving birth…your first telephone…your first bathroom in the house…your first car and more. What are your thoughts about cemeteries, gardening, politicians, wringer washing machines, child-rearing, fruit cellars? I would love knowing those snippets of their lives. In a keen sense, those details would give me a firm grounding of my background.

So, I return to yet another writing conference to learn more about documenting snippets of my life. I’ve not been to this conference before—my favorite for the last 17 years has been the Iowa Summer Writing Festival at the University of Iowa in Iowa City, but I’m due for a change. Besides, at my age, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll have the vim and vigor to travel six to seven hours to a conference and then fully participate in a week-long intensive workshop. I’m being practical.

To excite you about what I’m reading to prepare for this workshop with Amy Lou Jenkins, I’ll give you some excerpts from one assignment: Phillip Lopate’s Writing Personal Essays: On the Necessity of Turning Oneself into a Character. Lopate describes this process as being much like the notion of character development when writing fiction. And I paraphrase and ad lib:

First, think of your quirks. No one wants to read boring stuff, so look for those things that make you unique. None of us is the same, so capitalize on it. When folks tell me they could never be a nurse because of the awful bodily things we have to do, I laugh and say, “I understand. Not all people can be excited about bowel movements.” I’m serious. When a patient had been constipated from days on narcotics, I felt as good as the patient when the stool softeners, or the enema I’d given, finally worked. And, for the record, this topic is on my mind, just having had my five-year colonoscopy yesterday. That would make a quirky story, but I’ll spare you.

Second, look for conflict in your lives. That shouldn’t take long. Some of us have gargantuan conflicts, some of us have little ones like having to decide whether to go the health club before or after lunch. Readers don’t want to read about absolutely hum drum lives. And no one has them anyway. But, even if you think your life is boring, stop a minute and think of what you’ve done the last five minutes. You’ve stopped your routine to read this short essay and you’re wondering why you’re wasting the time. But then you realize there may be some truth to what I’m saying, and you are moved to grab a pencil and write about how you nearly boxed your boss or your husband or your kids yesterday, and oh, wouldn’t that feel good to get that out of your system? And that’s another reason to write: it’s cathartic.

Third, a hot one: what’s your ethnicity, gender, religion, politics? Where do you live? Are you upper class? Are you in the top one percent? Don’t you feel an essay blooming inside of you? Wouldn’t you like to expound on facts that you are a woman, for Pete’s (or Patricia’s) sake, and you are composed of four ethnicities and don’t dare call you a mutt, and you’ve recently taken up with religion or you’ve recently given up on religion, given the nature of what’s happening around you, and, for that matter, you’d be happy if the breaking news of politics’ reporting would just break? And break for good.

Don’t you feel better already? Lopate says, “(B)e not afraid to meditate on our membership in this or that community, and the degree to which it has or has not formed us.” Yeah, go for it.

Third, find your humor. If you have none, your reader will get depressed. Just because you are feeling sad about the whole wide world and you’re telling your story in the truest manner possible, no one wants to be dragged along in your muck. So, no matter how sad your story is, find that smidgen of humor in it, if only to make a little fun about how you’re coping. Humor alone is a fine coping strategy.

I could give you lots of humor about the life-threatening, aroma-filled prep day for my colonoscopy, but I’ve already promised you I wouldn’t subject you to the account. But, I have also been able to find humor in writing about my sister Esther’s death. Such a loss. Painful, but I’m reminded of her smile, chuckle, and pragmatic words to me, and I find happiness to write about.

Fourth, dig deep (or maybe they are on the surface ready to erupt) for your opinions and prejudices. Readers may disagree with you, but you’ll give them something to think about. And they will see another perspective other than their own. As a nurse, I hate seeing folks not able to get health care. How does that inform my life, my attitudes, my politics, my everything? Our opinions are the lens through which we experience life. Own them, explore them, invite others to do the same.

Lastly, to develop your own self as a character, do something. Actions can speak louder than words. So, if I were to tell you my colonoscopy story, I could describe my trip to Walgreen’s in detail, trying to find the Dulcolax, the Miralax, the non-red or non-purple Jello, Gatorade, and popsicles to enjoy on the Clear Liquid day of prep. I could tell you about my phone call, two days before, to cancel my colonoscopy when my sister died, when the instructions clearly said to call five days ahead. I could tell you about how I had to find where my precious Walgreen’s purchases had vanished prior to the prep day of the reschedule weeks later. I could tell you…I could tell you…and I could tell you all the details of my actions until you felt you were going through the prep yourself. And I could add about how I almost passed out, making it to the bed just in time with just my top on and shouting feebly to my husband, “HONEY, come. I need help,” and how he rushed from the study to my bedside and had to undo and remove my top undergarments and slip a nightgown over my head. I could tell you about the tone of his voice as he asked,   “What in the world are you doing?”

But I’m not going to tell you. But I do invite you to grab a pen, or your keyboard, and write. Lopate says we must “recognize the charm of the ordinary.” He says, “daily life has nourished some of the most enduring essays.”

 

 

178 thoughts on “Write Along with Me…”

  1. Thanks for all the fun ideas to think about. My kids love my blogging because they see it as my life story in print. I just have to make sure everyone knows how to access it when I die. 🙂

    Liked by 9 people

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      1. I’ve thought about putting the link in the bulletin for my memorial service with a short paragraph explaining. I also like your idea of printing them – but that will have to wait a few more years because I’m too busy now. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

      3. Yes, I agree. My posts are printed, all 890+ for my grandchildren to read when Granma has departed this life. Just called by to say thanks for following my blog. and I shall now follow yurs,

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  2. Norma Osterhouse

    I like your writing. And just the other day I was thinking we hadn’t heard from you in a while. I wished I had the desire to write like you do.

    Liked by 7 people

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  6. Cynthia Sander

    Loved this. Sure wish I had had the opportunity to talk to my maternal grandparents about why they (separately) emigrated from Sweden in the late 1800s. Nothing in writing either – so sad. So continue writing!! Glad you didn’t tell us about your colonoscopy prep 😉

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  8. I have dozens of handwritten journals, beginning in my teen years. I’d give up a breast to have such things left from my grandmothers and their mothers, but … re-reading my own, there is a lot I don’t want to leave behind, simply because journals never, ever tell the whole story or even the true story. In my case, at least … and that’s because I often wrote in order to release stress, so it was often bitching and complaining and judging rather than a description of the 95% of the time I was content and my life was wonderful. Those habits created diaries that are misleading to anyone who will only know me through them.

    There are many treasures buried there, however, and I hope to curate the journals somehow, time-consuming as that is.

    The other thing about leaving them behind is, for example, that one day while our mother was dying I remarked in writing that my sister’s behaviour was that of a selfish jerk. Later I realized that she wasn’t, and that I’d judged unfairly and harshly … but did I correct my earlier criticism in the diary? Nope. And if she read that particular journal after my death, she’d be very hurt, left thinking that’s what I thought of her. People do tend to think that whatever you write down is the absolute truth for you, but it isn’t. It’s only the perceived truth at the moment it’s written. The next day things can appear entirely different.

    Then again, you aren’t talking about journals. I guess I’ve gotten off track. You are absolutely correct in advising writers to make characters of themselves and be humorous. This may be easier said than done, but I’m going to keep it in mind. Thank you!

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    1. You’re welcome! I’ve taken a course in turning journals into public art. And you do “curate” and use the same techniques learned in writing fiction/nonfiction. It can be very fun to do because you already know what you want to write about, so then it’s a matter of applying the craft of writing to that story. Go for it!

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    1. Thanks, Richa. I think we find when we write about the so called mundane things of our personal lives, that those things have universal appeal because others experience those same mundane things. And that’s a comfort to us, that we are not the only ones, for example, not having a bunch of fun going through a colonoscopy! You keep on writing, too!

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  10. Could writing conferences be found in Western and Southern Europe? Because I would really want to attend one for inspiration and meet new people. I just feel like I need to visit one and see for myself.

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  12. cindy212

    ha ha ! I can relate to the bodily function angst a nurse worries over. I am retired, but a 14 yr old who had abdominal surgery … was reticent to have that old movement. I bribed him with a dollar. LOL. Our characters (fiction) and our own reactions to life’s challenges. I find that my quirky personality often slips into my characters in fiction. It’s a challenge in 2 ways. I put my life out there (not all of it good) and face a lashing on occasion with critiques. But the upside is the obstacles overcome, the character’s reaction, and putting it into a 3D. I don’t write much of the medical side (unless forensics) but as you know we as nurses have a sick, sick sense of humor. I have cops in my stories, too. Who…get… our dark or bizarre thought processes.

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      1. cindy212

        I do have too many stories. The man who’d had an epidural and general for prostate surgery … could ‘feel his balls,’ no matter how I tried to explain it. Finally he stopped when I said GIVES NEW MEANING TO NUMB NUTS, DOESN”T IT? lol.

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  13. Lady Anne Boleyn

    This is wonderful Lois – I struggle with getting overly invested with the mundane details, attempting to describe every single idiosyncrasies of the person I’m writing about that they actually can become more two dimensional rather than a fully realized person! I’ve found that inducing humour into the mix helps to break me free from that rut most of the time. Even in the darkest of characters, including the ludicrous adds a human element that would otherwise be lacking. Or better stated, even in our darkest hours, we all tend to lean on humor to get us through, it’s one of the most humanizing elements to us all! So to not pull from that, at least for myself and my vain attempts at writing, brings forth characters that are very flat, tedious, and easily forgettable – again just talking about my writing lolol Hopefully that makes sense lolol Lady Anne ^^Ö^^

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    2. I completely agree with you, Lady Anne. People are multi-faceted so it can be hard to make them out to be as dynamic as they are when we have our own opinions and personal experiences with them. I think this is the challenge of being a writer! Humor can definitely open up another door.

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    1. Welcome to the blogging world. I like your teen approach. Be sure to fill out your About page soon, so readers can learn more about you and what makes you want to blog. Thanks for stopping in. Best wishes!

      Liked by 2 people

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  19. Wonderful advice — thanks! And I think I have a pretty clear picture on the …… shall we say …….. ins and outs of your colonoscopy. I could go on and on about constipation resulting from pain meds in the hospital, but this is a writing blog and not WebMD, so I’ll let that one go.

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    1. cindy212

      LOL. No one could leave the hospital to home/NH without a movement. No one wanted the job. I worked nights so the job fell to me quite often. I finally made a tag that said, Enemaologist.

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      1. Love it, Cindy! I can picture your with an IV bag holding 1000cc warm soapsuds, or maybe even a Fleet’s, entering a room and saying, You may go home as soon as we get this over with!

        Liked by 2 people

  22. IAmBeloved

    Love this, am a medical professional too (Cardiac Physiologist) in London but will be in California or 10 months starting in August and have recently FINALLY decided to put pen to paper and write my ideas down too and it’s amazing the feedback I get when before I used to think there was no point! Your post is so encouraging. 🙂

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  23. Wow I love this! I never thought about writing something for my grandchildren or descents to read. I’m sure a lot of people don’t. I think this is a great idea and something to keep in mind while I write…it’s interesting how, for example, my grandmother never mentions her past unless we bring it up in conversation and directly ask her. But we don’t always know the right questions to ask. I never knew she couldn’t leave the house for two years during the Japanese occupation until I asked. It’s just not something you bring up in a normal conversation. Deliberate journaling allows these stories to be heard! Now I have so many ideas! Thank you!

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    1. Now that you know, don’t hesitate! I so wish I’d asked more questions of dear ones who are now gone. Their stories died with them, and that makes me sad. Your “I never knew…” is the key. Our elders have much they don’t talk about and they have so much to share. Write up your grandma’s story and share it. Others will appreciate it and it will motivate them to do the same. Think of the appreciation your children and grandchildren will feel for your grandma’s sacrifice and their heritage.Thank you for sharing this with me!

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  24. Oh how I relate to your lovely aroma filled days! Former Gastroenterology (isn’t that just a mouth full?) Admin here to commiserate with you on the unique bouquet of colonoscopy patient filled waiting rooms. I don’t miss the smell , though I miss my veterans (worked for the VA hospital), they were the best. The stories they had, no matter how bad things got, they always had humor in their hearts. They are some of the bravest, kindest and funniest people you can ever have the pleasure to meet. I was blessed!

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. Lacey, I’m glad you get it! Just have to have some humor about the whole mess. My friend Marianna Crane worked the VA as an NP for many years and says the same–she loved her patients. You might want to check her blog: nursingstories.org. She has a book in progress too.

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  25. Forgot to say, loved reading your post. I love to write. I get discouraged at times when I finally get the courage to share a story and I receive so little feedback, especially when I share something about myself. It’s always hardest to write about my life, even though it’s the subject I know the best. However, it’s also the most rewarding, so it’s all worth it in the end.
    You are right though, finding inspirations in my everyday life and writing about them suddenly turns those boring and mundane days into exciting adventures… well if not quite adventures, then at least interesting activities, maybe even curious explorations, daring outings? I could even turn a trip to the store into quite the extravagant trip to the far away lands of the orient, or, you know down the street to the Chinese health store.
    Have a great retreat! It was nice “talking to you”

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. I took an online workshop once on blogging that taught me if I reach one person through my story to consider it a success. That is very encouraging when that happens. And, yes, we can make adventures out of anything. And it’s cathartic to write about them. And it will always speak to at least one person and make their day. And I’m happy with that because then I’ve met my need to write and I’ve made someone happy too. Good luck with your writing. And thanks for taking the time to talk with me!

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  26. This is so inspiring! I’ve been in a writing rut recently, and have been rationalizing it by saying I haven’t had the chance to travel in a while. Thanks for the reminder that everyday life can be interesting too!

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    1. If you found this, you are on your way! During my first week of blogging seven years ago, I spent twenty hours clicking everything on the Dashboard until I figured out what it did. Hope this helps. Welcome to blogging!

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  29. Thank you for all you contributed to the writing conference. I’m sure Lopate would love your reflecting narrator and I loved that you constructed a concrete world that illustrated abstract ideas. You know how to give the writer an experience. Thank you–my new writing friend.

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    1. Wow, Amy, thanks much! I learned essay structure clearly from you this week and am grateful for the multiple tips you shared. I’ve never been in a workshop where the teacher, at the end of the final session, thanked each member for their contributions to your and our learning. Very affirming. And appreciated. I look forward to helping with the forthcoming anthology on transitions. Lois

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  33. This was the “find” of my day!! I retired in March and now am enjoying being an “older” writer. How I wish I had just taken a few minutes a day over the years to write down a thought, observation or conversation. And how I wish that my mother had left me some words about my father who died shortly after I was born. What was life like for her? For me? in those years flowing his death?
    I look forward to seeing your next work. Until then, I’ll be writing along with you!
    Enjoy your workshop!!

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    1. I hope so. They are very stimulating. If you don’t find one to go to in person by Googling it, you could find the next best thing by taking an online writing course. I’ve never done it but have friends who’ve had very positive experiences.

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  38. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I had a recent experience and want to write about it to share with others but have been procrastinating and not knowing where or how to start. This is motivating.

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  39. Todd

    I did ask my grandmother last year about her childhood. She brought pictures from when she was born up through high school and shared stories. She always had a bum knee that gave her a hard time her entire life. It turns out she injured it when he dad ran over her with the car when she was 7! At 87 she got a steroid shot in that knee and she said it was the best it had ever felt.

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  41. cindy212

    Lois (and all who’ve tread the waters – pardon the er, pun) –

    Knocked on the doors of those who needed the HH&H (high, hot and helluva lot for those who may not remember), the knock on the door was followed by my sick joke, ‘who goes there? Friend or enema?’ Icebreaker. Not for long.

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  44. This is fantastic and I have some great ideas for future blogs that I can’t wait to forget about because even though I am telling myself right now that I should right them down. I’m posting this comment instead.

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  47. Phillip Lopate’s brother, Leonard, hosts an extremely popular radio interview show here in New York City. I’ve heard him interview Phillip on the subject of writing several times now, and he’s brought up the point you reference here several times.

    Prior to that, I recall the famous radio personality/author Jean Shepherd advocate the same thing/ (He put that practice on full display in the popular movie “A Christmas Story”, which he wrote and narrated.)

    Now that I’m a radio personality myself I keep that advice in the back of my mind both when I’m on the air and when I’m scribbling silly stories in my blog. I’ve found it not only makes the telling more enjoyable for me, but the listening/reading more enjoyable for my audience. Because I mean, seriously, who wants to hear what you had for lunch that day? They want to hear about how you mistook your waiter for your wife’s ex-fiance and treated him horribly until you realized your mistake and tried to make it up for him with a huge tip but your credit card was declined so not only was he doubly mad at you but you then had to spend the next 4 hours in your suit and tie back in the kitchen scrubbing encrusted scrambled eggs out of industrial catering chafing dishes to pay off your meal while your wife waited in the car, and she’s as steaming hot as that kitchen over your idiocy. Not that that’s ever happened to me, of course *cough*.

    So, yes. I agree. Flesh out all your characters, even you.

    🙂

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  48. Great thoughts to keep in mind. I am a hospice nurse and agree with you that the humorous, the frustrating, the sad, and the uplifting memories, all make for special moments to draw from. So many stories behind every patient’s door.

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  50. Olá,imenso prazer e satisfação em conhece-la, primeira vez que vejo suas escrituras por sinal sábias, e eu estou aqui somente há algumas semanas, quase sem experiencia, tenho em mãos o dom que Deus me deu, a inspiração para escrever oque sente minha alma, tenho milhares de cadernos guardados em meu quarto sobre a escrivaninha, que escrevi quando pensava estar sem forças alguma, e a solidão tomava conta de mim, então apareceram as inspirações como um passe de mágica, elas brotaram de meu ser, eu só escrevo, escrevo sem parar, é meu alento, meu desabafo, meu jeito de entrar onde a um jardim secreto dentro de meu quarto, somente eu sei onde esta e a chave para abri-lo, queria sua resposta amada, em como mostrar a jóia preciosa escondida dentro de mim ao mundo…

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      4. cindy212

        Here it is in English for obotocorderosadoamor

        “Hello, immense pleasure and satisfaction in knowing you, the first time I see your scriptures by the wise, and I’ve only been here a few weeks, almost inexperienced, I have in hand the gift that God gave me, the inspiration to write what you feel My soul, I have thousands of notebooks stored in my room on the desk, which I wrote when I thought I had no strength, and solitude was taking hold of me, then the inspirations appeared like magic, they sprouted from my being, I just I write, I write without stopping, it’s my breath, my excitement, my way of entering where a secret garden inside my room, only I know where it is and the key to open it, wanted his beloved answer, how to show the jewel Precious hidden within me to the world …”

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  54. Thank you so much for reading my blog post. Always so humbling when a blogger of your calibre actually likes something on a a newbies page. One of the things I took away from your post here was this: If you want to develop your own character then DO something. That is so true. Obvious when you put it in a short sentence but not so obvious in the milieu of life with all its demands and conflicting self-help advice.

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  55. This is exactly why I write. I want my daughter to know what it was like for me and especially how I coped with my mental stressors. I have always found writing to be a more coherent way for me to express my feelings and ideas.
    I hope to attend a few workshops in the future. Thanks you for the inspiration.

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  56. cindy212

    During my early years as an RN, I wept a lot. I mean, like an hour after work. I spent a year working on an HIV unit, experimental. It was heartbreaking. Yet the joy of knowing people who had tremendous hope and acceptance was overwhelming. Much much later I still wept with families, and a supervisor told me it was unprofessional. I replied, the day I stop crying with families and patients, that’s the day I quit. I became a nurse practitioner, and so many years later, it continued. After 32 years of being an RN in some sort of fashion, I finally retired, and now I write. I don’t write about my experiences (except a few here) because they were so intensely personal to my patients, their families and me. Still are. The frustrations of government expectations made my final decision to my retirement. I was unwilling to see 40+ patients a day as a NP and deliver what I considered poor medical care.

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  59. This really is a lovely piece of writing. Pacey, direct, funny and informative. You must have been a wonderful nurse and I bet you have been writing most of your life. I am so tired this evening – almost too tired to write but you have lifted me and revved me up again. Sorry if that sounds mushy, I am not usually mushy, but every now and then the truth is like that. (I seldom make sense when I am tired but i am sure you get the idea. Thank you. Have a gorgeous day.. cecilia

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  60. Hi Lois,

    Absolutely love your idea of writing about our lives so that may be one day some of it can be of help to our sons and daughters or their sons and daughters.

    Your post reminded me of this quote from Jhumpa Lahiri: “The best sentences orient us, like stars in the sky, like landmarks on a trail.”

    Regards,
    Deepak Kundu

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  61. Hi Mrs.Roelofs,

    Thank you for writing this blog. I’m a beginner trying to find the right words and emotions to process and express and your blog gave me some clarity which is often hard to find. Thanks again 🙂

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  65. Fine advice! I found it very hard to write non fiction at first, especially memoir/ autobiographical sketches but it seemed the more honest I became, the more willing to share authentic emotions and foibles .the more I saw the essay as simply another form of story, the easier it became. Well, not easy–but tolerable and then enjoyable. And it seems to be working, as nonfiction does almost better than my fiction pieces on my blog and when published. I say to others who are fearful of beginning this genre: take the risk–bare your soul. We’re all unique but everyday creatures looking for wholeness and laughter and connection!

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    1. So true, Cynthia. It is more enjoyable to write authentically and in doing so, as I keep learning from writing teachers, the universality comes from my dealing with life’s mundane events as well as bigger things. I’ll check out your blog later. Bedtime now in South Dakota!

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  68. Hi!!! Just came across this post and loved it!!!! I love your style!:) I recently started a personal blog to share my journey in battling with depression and was petrified wirh how I was going to describe it all without it being all dark and a downer! And I actually surprised myself with finding and using little bits of humour I could go adding to it! This post reinforces to me that it was a good idea!;) What I also do is simply write from the heart, and it just simply makes it so much easier to express myself! I will definitely use more of your tips in the future!! Thank you!:)

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    1. Thank you, My Tenant! Love your enthusiasm to write well. I find I can find humor in most anything as there is always, for example, some irony, contradiction, or exaggeration. Best wishes with your writing helping to see a brighter side when life presents otherwise.

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  72. artsiesteph

    Thank you for writing this! Personally I “work” as a caregiver for my dad who has cancer. So my life is mostly home. I find that making little comics and quirky art helps to keep the positive, but I’d like to have my writing show that too. Thanks for helping me to do that 🙂

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