Please! No more cancer. Been there, done that.

On By Lois RoelofsIn faith, memoir, nurse, writing

I had a health scare last week that slapped me, once again, into awareness that I’m alone. I no longer have a husband; I no longer am married. After 56 years, I no longer have someone at home who’s there for me the minute something goes wrong.

There have been many challenges as I’ve assumed this role of widowhood, but they’ve been doable. Mostly. I’ve not finished yet with collecting tax documents, and that’s stretching my sanity; I much prefer working with words than numbers.

This health scare, though, was not doable, alone. The doctor’s office called that I needed to have a repeat mammogram. In my 77 years, I’ve never had to have a repeat. You can imagine where my mind went—all the way from the repeat test itself to the grave.

I had to have an immediate talk with myself. I could not deal with wild thoughts alone, much less for the whole ten days until the follow-up appointment. Within minutes, I called the scheduler back and asked for an earlier time. And got one. But then I sat here, alone. Normally, I would have cried, and Marv would have held and hugged me until I stopped. There was no one to hold or hug me, and I realized, for the first time since widowhood (perhaps, I’m a late learner), that being alone with a health scare is far worse than doing taxes for the first time, or dealing with the humped salt in the Culligan thing, or gassing up one’s car in our polar vortex weather.

As I sat here, numbed, I had to do something. Anything. Heavy shadows of doom arrived out of nowhere. Just like that I knew with absolute certainty that I could not do the “living with cancer” life again so soon. It was as though I’d done it once, recently, and valiantly, but now I’d “been there, done that,” and I was so done with it, that, no matter what, I needed to reach out for help. I’m a planner, so the most productive thing I could do was envision life with chemo, vomiting, and fatigue and call in support. Just in case.

Of course, I reminded myself of my friend Marianna’s mantra, “It’s not cancer until someone says it is.” I told her first—she warned me not to go negative right away, then waited awhile to tell my daughter, Kathleen, who lives nearby. Should I spoil her life worrying when there may be no cause for worry? No matter, I could not not tell her. After the repeat tests, I decided I must tell my son out-of-state, and I must write a letter; I needed to know others were praying for me. Here goes.

Wednesday, February 7, 2019, 8 am

I have some health news. After complaining about my primary doctor to Kathleen one to many times, I finally decided to see her doctor. I saw her on January 23 for an annual checkup. Unlike my former doctor, this gal believes in continuing diagnostic testing after 75, symptoms or not. So, she ordered a skin check, dexascan (to monitor osteoporosis), and a mammogram (my last one was August of 2016).

I had the mammogram on January 29 and got a call back two days later due to a suspicious spot, new since 2016. Their earliest available appointment for additional testing was in ten days. I took it and then called back when I realized that was too close to my next planned trip. They squeezed me in yesterday, February 6.

At 7:00 am, in our five-degree, icy-road weather, I drove to a cancer center, the same place where we went for Marv’s referral to hospice, for a CHSM (contrast enhanced spectral mammogram). If something showed up on that, I was to have an ultrasound.

I waited about 20 minutes for the results from the first test. The technician came in: “They want you to have an ultrasound.” So, I trundled after her down the hall in my winter boots and patient gown and met another technician. My blood pressure had shot way up by that time. When that test was finished, I was asked to wait again.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the tech came back in with a doctor who looked no older than ten. He confirmed that the original suspicious spot had now been visible on the two tests of the morning and said that having that evidence warranted a biopsy. I hardly had time to process this when the tech said, due to the weather, they’d had a cancellation, and I could probably have it right away, instead of waiting about ten days. Yay!

Kathleen was at a business presentation her husband was giving and texted me at ten that she was on her way. I responded I was waiting for another test. She arrived a few minutes later, and I told her the test was a biopsy. Some tears flowed.

But my ten-year-old doctor and his team did a great job of the needle biopsy, and Kath and I were soon off to lunch. At 2:00, when I was back home, my new doctor’s office called to set up an appointment for Monday, February 11, at 2:45 pm, to get the results. Efficiency plus!

I told all my new medical personnel about Marv and that I’ve really had enough of cancer for the time being. I ask for your prayers as I wait for the biopsy results. I’ve never had a call back from a mammogram before. I’m forever thankful to Kathleen that she kept on me to change doctors!

So, it will be a long weekend, but I’ve put this concern in God’s hands, just as Marv and I did with his illness a little over a year ago.

At 5:06 pm that afternoon, February 7, my phone rang. I saw that the caller was the doctor’s office. Oh no! Surely the slide in the pathology lab had alerted all the techs that this woman had an urgent case of something that had to be treated right away! (Sometimes, being a nurse is not helpful.) With my heart hammering away, I answered,

“Hello.”

“Lois?”

“Yes.”

“This is ………… from Dr. …………’s office. Your test results just came back. They are negative. Everything’s fine. I thought you’d like to know before the weekend. We can cancel your Monday appointment. Just have a follow-up in six months.”

After I hung up, I sat down, leaned forward, and gallons of tears dropped on my lap. Thank you, Jesus!

With the help of others and a lot of prayer, I survived this health scare. But now I think of how insensitive I’ve been to my single friends who have never had, or no longer have, a significant other to be there for them with such a scare. I’m hoping my experience wakes up my empathy, and yours, for all who live alone.

146 thoughts on “Please! No more cancer. Been there, done that.”

  1. Oh Lois, I’m so glad that the result was negative. At just about the same stage on my journey of being single I got the same call back. My first reaction was a call to Cate, my daughter who went with me through the whole process. My lump wasn’t palpable so without the mammogram…

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    1. So you know, all too well. I’m so sorry you, too, had this experience. Try as I might, I could not help but catastrophize the situation. I kept thinking if stress can cause cancer, surely I’d had enough stress, even if unaware, this past year. So I just went into planning mode, and now am still limp and worn out with relief.

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      1. Julie Wright's avatar Julie Wright

        So glad for negative results! I have been called back for high imaging and ultrasound twice in the last five years. It’s never easy and the tears flow for me too. Reality sets in that the “c” word could come from my mouth once again. I’m so glad Kath is there for you to give you a hug. I continue to pray for you as I know it’s not easy. Love you lots.

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      2. Yes, Julie. Thanks lots! Since I was never called back, I thought I was immune, especially since my former doctor didn’t think mammograms were necessary for women my age anymore. Ignorant me. I’m sorry you’ve had the scares and tears too. I’ve told lots of people this week that I’m so thankful I live by my daughter.

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  2. Marge Ecker's avatar Marge Ecker

    Lois, what great news, sorry I did not know this was happening. A friend of mine had her second memo this a.m. and she needs to have a biopsy, Dr. just wants to be sure all is good. She is 65 and lost her second husband a year ago in Nov.. She was feeling like you, so alone. God does answer prays and we are so blessed! Keeping you in my prayers. Are you still going to Chicago? I think that was your plan, not any warmer, but a change from what is happening here. Missed you at the dinner last evening, Corky had told me you would not be attending, goodtime, 24 people. Dave Hilderbrand and Julie came, good seeing both of them!

    On Wed, Feb 13, 2019, 2:21 PM Write Along with Me wrote:

    > Lois Roelofs posted: “I had a health scare last week that slapped me, once > again, into awareness that I’m alone. I no longer have a husband; I no > longer am married. After 56 years, I no longer have someone at home who’s > there for me the minute something goes wrong. There ha” >

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    1. You were next of my list to call! Then I got the good news. I was barely holding myself together for those few days. I am going to Chicago. I’ll text you. Glad the dinner went well. I wound up my grief group that night.

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  4. Linda's avatar Linda

    ah. I know too well. I’m walking through this with my Mom at the moment. Her doctor was the same and has not had a mammogram in years, and she found a lump herself. We got further, the biopsy tested positive for cancer. She had her breast removed 2 weeks ago and I was with her through all of it, surgery and recovery after surgery. It is so hard when you are alone. So different and it totally sucks. And as a daughter I hate leaving her now even alone. Last week we had the follow-up and it is now calling for chemo. Not sure what that holds, but way more complications because once again she lives alone. I don’t want her to do it all alone. Try as I can to be there as much as I can. I live a little to far away and working full time doesn’t help. Old age is not for the timid that is for sure. BUT.. I can see in so many ways how much more Jesus has become the replacement for her husband – more and more each day, caring for her and giving her peace, it is a peace that passes all understanding that is for certain. Glad things went well for you.

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    1. I feel so for your mom. And you. What a difficult time. There really are no words to describe the experience. Tell your mom she has a friend here in South Dakata who will be praying for her. And, yes, Jesus really does walk alongside. Faith is key, even though it’s hard sometimes in the midst of things, to keep that thought front and center. Know that God understands. Thanks so much for telling me your story. We must support one another.

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  5. Hugs to you! I was called a couple of times to have an ultrasound years ago and I just did what I needed to do without much thought about it. Then after a couple of years of learning how to live with FM I found a lump. I fell apart because I just didn’t want to loose another year of my life. I just didn’t think I had the emotional reserves to deal with cancer. I feel tears coming for what you just went through, and probably for my fear when I went through that same threat. Praying for you to feel the nurturing and healing cloak of comfort that comes from God.

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    1. I feel exactly as you did. I saw that I would lose a year of my life, and I’m still fragile from “losing” last year with Marv’s cancer. I had to remind myself of my dad’s words when he got cancer–Why NOT me? instead of Why me? I do feel the prayers–so essential. Thanks.

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  6. How well you tell this story of your cancer scare without your life long supporter. I, too, feel that I have not had empathy for those without a significant other to hold on to in times like this. But I am very glad the ending was a happy one.

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    2. Lois – I commend your bravery in writing about your vulnerability alone when you had always had a partner. I am potentially facing that ( I guess we all are) after 40 years plus of togetherness. My husband is doing tests for advanced cancer so it may be sooner rather than later. . Being alone freaks me out but I know I’ll need to be tough like you & just get on with it . No option!

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  9. Lois – so glad you are well. 11 months after my husband passed away, I found out I had colorectal cancer and went through all of it without a spouse. Had wonderful friends and family but it was still a lonely process. Am now cancer free but I absolutely understand

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  11. I know this feeling well, it takes you straight back to an awful place you had momentarily escaped. I’m glad that it was a scare, but scares are scary. I’m sorry you feel alone too, no one should feel like that at any time, especially when going through this xx

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  15. Kristie Konsoer's avatar Kristie Konsoer

    I am glad you had negative results and know first hand how the fears ramp up with escalating tests and the waiting involved. I have been alone for most of mine. It really isn’t so hard. You are reliant on yourself and can organize appointments, etc. in a way that works best for you. I have plenty of support. What I think is crucial in your post is your emphasis on empathy. Empathy means a lot to a person whether they have someone at their side or they are on their own. Empathy is a universal yearning we all need and we all have the capacity to give.

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  18. Robin Bohrer's avatar Robin Bohrer

    Thank goodness!!!! I held my breath the entire reading of your post and praying that all was good. As a breast cancer survivor with an amazing, supportive husband, I cannot imagine being faced with that alone. May you never have to. But please remember, you are not alone. Your children will always be there for you. Even mine were there and they were in middle school and high school. REALLY enjoy your trip. : )
    Be well always!

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      1. So sorry your husband has had to fight that awful disease of cancer & being a care giver is a tuff and hard job. Cancer has taught me a couple of things through the process and chemo treatments, I took for granted is that life is way to short & only put on this planet for a very short time. It has also made me a much stronger person that just comes with fighting for life.

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  20. Understanding that fear but having ur same faith in God that story is amazing. Marv was and is there with you along with God himself! Stay busy! Morn how you need to morn! And remember it’s ok to learn how to live your new life with out marv. This is ur time and his memory is never going to leave you! Prayers going up!

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  22. Lois, you are never alone. as long as you have Jesus in your heart, He promises to be with you always. He will never abandon you, He will not, He will not, He will not…Hebrews 13:5 (AMPC.)
    And I thank God that by His wounds you have been healed! (I Peter 2:24) Love you!

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  24. What a beautiful story to share, Lois, and life lesson for all of us. I have been through the biopsy scenario that you speak of, and it is indeed a frightening experience. My MO, however, has always been to immediately reach out to friends, family and co-workers and ask for their prayers. I do believe in the power of prayer and have thanked God many times over for a non-cancerous outcome. As my friends and I age, many of us without children, I remind them that we need to be there for each other. And so we are. And so are your internet friends too. Warm wishes for continued good health!

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    1. My MO is the same. A big cry for HELP! And prayer sustains me. I never would have made it through the last year with my husband’s illness and death without knowing God was right beside me. Thanks for your good wishes!

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  25. Elsie's at it again's avatar oldgreyandworkinghard

    I am so happy for you, that had to be the scariest thing… I remember when I sat waiting for my results..mine too were negative… so happy for you and hugs.

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  27. That’s good news indeed. From now onwards my prayers will be there for you. This is my first time reading your blog, but it reminded me the illness of my father and the condition he is in. Though i am in tears right now, but somewhere deep in my heart, I believe God can do wonders. Though my dad is out of danger now. His health doing great right now. Spread love. 💓

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  31. i read your blog and had tears in my eyes. It must have been very difficult a challenge for you during the wait for the result. I read till the end and found a relief that your health is stil in good shape. You are a truely good sincere heart. You have had me as a new follower. Take care 🙂

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  36. Dear fellow warrior in Christ, you are not, never were, and never will be alone! As you can see, you have fellow brothers and sisters and not to mention The Maker of All Things walking beside you every day of your life.
    As a Christian missionary, I serve the city where I now call home. If you want to see my own cancer story, just view my latest publication on “thecardlady.car.blog” I have a HUGE sense of and true love for a good adventure and I write about them quite frequently, there.

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  40. So glad all turned out well for you. You are so right – going through cancer alone is very hard. I work at a cancer wellness centre where we offer free psychosocial programs to people living with cancer. Part of our mission is to let people living with cancer know that they are not alone – we are there for them if they need us. Wishing you continued health!

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  41. I have had a form of “breast cancer” since 2009. It’s called Lobular Carcinoma In Situ, or LCIS. It’s technically either considered “stage zero” or not even considered a cancer by some. But women with LCIS are at a MUCH higher risk of getting Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) or Invasive Lobular Carcinoma (ILC). I did 5 years on Tamoxifen to help to prevent developing these. I go for my yearly Mammo/Sono and also go for an MRI every year, since ILC does not show up on Mammograms. I get the results from the Mammo/Sono right away, because I’m an “at risk” patient. And I get the MRI results within a couple days. One time, I did have to go for a retest of the MRI, but they wanted to wait a month, to see if there was any growth of the suspicious spot. I didn’t want ANY growth to be allowed to happen!! That was a VERY stressful month, so I totally get what you were feeling. And even though I had loved ones to talk to about it, I still felt alone in it all! I am happy this all turned out to be just a scare for you! Here’s my virtual (((HUG)))!!

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  42. I am very happy to read that the results were negative, but your words of handling this alone were so poignant. Thank you for sharing this. I pray that others may be able to draw strength from yours.

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  44. Lois, as I went through your post, I felt the stress build up, I experienced the scare of being lonely at such moments as these, and when I reached the end and read about the negative results, I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank you for sharing your experience.

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  45. alifelivedwell83's avatar alifelivedwell83

    God has you in the Palm of his hand. All that he does he does for the common good. He never gives us anything we can’t handle. God Bless you. You are one strong lady!

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  50. This made me cry. I think you are extremely brave. I also know how hard it is to keep your head on straight when fear is gripping your body. I am so glad everything is okay! God bless.

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  53. So happy your results came back negative Lois, I had the same, my mum was diagnosed about 6 years ago at stage 4.5 colon cancer, she had operations and we thought we had lost her, she was in the clear for a while, then it came back about two years later, then in the November when mum finished her extensive chemo, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2017, it had started to spread and I was very lucky it was caught, then my sister was diagnosed with thyroid cancer the same year, she had the op and now, please god, we are all in remission xx so its always lovely to hear a happy ending xx big hugs to you xxx

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  54. clifton3715's avatar CC

    Hey Lois…wished I had found your blog earlier just for you to have a little more support and encouragement. God is so awesome when He gives us favor. You continue to write your stories for others…you never know whose waiting on that call. I’m recovery from uterine cancer and God also grace me with favor. I invite you to my site….CC’s Inn. May you be blessed and hold on to strength.
    Blessings

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  57. Hi Lois! I so appreciate your words here, and am glad to hear that in the end the tests were negative. I have had a few health scares/issues myself, and my mind goes zero to the grave instantly as well. I also have wondered how I could have dealt with it all without my husband and my friends. It takes a village – be it a spouse or a community – to navigate this Earth and the challenges we face while here. Be well.

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  61. valartist's avatar ValArtist

    I just ran across your blog and wanted to say it was touching and i am happy for your good news!! You’re so right, we’re all too focused on our small circles, and when unexpected issues cut into them, we suddenly become more conscious of how things are for the many without.

    I’m very sorry for your loss, but happy you have an incredible circle of family and friends. Again, Congrats on your good report!!!

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  63. So glad you are ok. It is so scary…I’ve been there myself. I had a mammogram and then went on a cruise. When I returned there was a letter dated the day after I left for my cruise that I needed a biopsy. It was a Sunday so I couldnt call until Monday but that night the phone rang and it was my doctor yelling at me why I didnt call when I got the letter. (he apologized when I told him I was in the Bahamas). And so he made an appointment the next day. I think waiting for the results was the most nerve-racking thing but thankful mine was negative too.

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  65. Jazz the Holy Creatress's avatar Dream Gitch

    Thank you for sharing this Lois. I’m a millennial but I have great empathy for the older generations. It seems the older we get the less people are there, no matter the case. Apart of my assumption is because we don’t want reminders that we will eventually get older and death is imminent. But also how life changes and those who were once constantly around us everyday(like a spouse) is no longer there. I can imagine what your going through. Its crazy because I’m married now for the second time with my wife and I already consider that. One day we both won’t be here at the same given time. However I can say I’m grateful for the memories created and will continue to be created for the sake of experiencing life and giving the chance to. Sending prayers and love to you Lois, you are loved.

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  66. Thank god for that! Just lost my sister, my lifeline at the young age of 48 to C two months back and even with a full young family to look after, the void in the heart and life is so killing.. one needs health to survive sorrow.. take care and stay healthy

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