I am in AZ, far from the snowstorms in my home state. It’s tranquil here and almost eerily quiet. I have time to simply stare at the sun-soaked landscape and dream.
When I took this photo yesterday, I thought of Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken. Rather than look back at what roads I’ve chosen in the past, this scene draws me into thinking about the road I’m taking now. And, naturally, about the road ahead.
These are topics that all of us creeping up in age have on our minds. Are we making the most of our life now? What does the future look like? Will our health hold up? If not, will we be able to stay in our homes? Or when would it be wise to think of relocating where we could receive care if and when we need it?
Particular questions that my late husband and I faced five years ago involved his sudden diagnosis of a terminal cancer. One of my interests now is advising everyone, especially older folks, to openly discuss together the what ifs. What if you got a terminal diagnosis? Would you seek treatment? What if your spouse/significant other dies first? What then? Where will you live? Where and who are your support systems? Can you handle the finances? Is your paperwork in order? Have you pictured the scenario of living alone?
Unfortunately, there are no absolute answers. But I often discuss these questions now with folks my age. When I have a variety of if/then scenarios in my head, it makes me feel better prepared to face the future. Better than when my husband was diagnosed. I cover our story in my book, Marv Taking Charge: A Story of Bold Love and Courage (forthcoming, Deep River, 2023).
If you wrestle with these same questions, chime in. The more perspectives we hear, the more we all can learn.
Write Along with Me 
Dear Lois, I have enjoyed following your letters since Kyle and Kaleen married, in Sibley. This particular article is one that I and my husband can relate to, as we are in that older age group. We are very blessed in 66 years of marriage, 67 coming up in May; we are in fairly good health, and are taking care of ourselves in our home; but one never knows when that could change, Only God knows our future. May the Lord bless you and keep you in His care, always. I look forward to your next writing, and will be interested in purchasing the book when it is released.
Mary Ellen Smidt, Sibley, IA
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Mary Ellen,
It is so nice to hear from you. And it’s especially affirming that my words spoke to you. I rarely know who my readers are, so I appreciate your reaching out. What a long marriage you’ve been blessed with. As there’s “a time for every season,” you know that one of you will remain behind. It’s useful to have those “what if “ conversations before it’s too late. Take notes. When the time comes, life can be topsy-turvy for awhile, and the notes will be a warm reminder of those heartfelt chats. And God is always with us as we go through these painful farewells !
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Dear Lois; as you know, we took that particular road 1 1/2 years ago, and even though it has been hard, it was the right road. Being in a continuing care campus has given us peace of mind, knowing what could have been a bumpy road to navigate, is behind us. I feel like the pilgrim in “Pilgrim’s Progress” who had a load on his back, but we dumped that load along the way, and here we are, free of most encumbrances of life. I would encourage elderly people to consider doing this and remembering that this is just the next stage of our life which we cannot change anyway – we are getting older and things will not stay the same. Certainly, we miss our former life – our friends, home(54 years in the home we built), church, medical care people – all comfortable familiarities. But we’re adjusting and settling in. It’s just a different life now.
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Thanks for reminding me of the details of your move. Yours was a huge life change. I’m very happy for you that it’s working out. I think the “peace of mind “ says it all! I wish I had a nice place like you have to consider, a place that affirms our life-long faith and life style. I’ve forwarded your note to a friend who is seriously considering a move like yours right now. I know it will be helpful!
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It is interesting to observe my own thinking along these lines. On one hand I absolutely know the importance of planning but know the intrusion of synchronicity. Then again, I am too busy to bother. That scares me. I am significantly older than my partner and I assume I will go first. So of course, he will handle things, right?! What if it doesn’t happen that way…Intermittently, I make plans and we talk. We make plans together. I just had my 81st birthday. I hope I do as well as you have in any circumstance. I appreciate all that you share. Thank you!
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Thanks for chiming in! I hope all works out in the end with you folks. Somehow it does… out of necessity, like it or not!😉
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Important conversations to have, and to periodically revisit from time to time. Lots of us practice denial, and even when we think we aren’t denying, we discover (yet again) that theory and reality are often quite different. Thanks for the reminder.
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